Knowing what is happening in your life and the reasons why it is happening in your life is the difference between living your life consciously or living your life in an unconscious manner.
Years ago when I was very young, I would constantly wonder why things happened the way they did. Being no more aware than the man in the moon, I would gaze into the heavens searching for some divine answer or sign that would enlighten my understanding. But no answer came, at least not in the way that I thought an answer should be delivered by our heavenly Father, i.e., claps of thunder, burning bushes and dark clouds parting to reveal streams of brilliant light—you know, something dramatic— but nothing came, and I felt abandoned, as if I were too insignificant for God to answer.
The feeling of abandonment and insignificance led to a feeling of loneliness, then to a feeling of not being loved. Then, without warning, I transformed those feelings of insignificance into resentment and began an unconscious rebellion against all authoritative figures in order to demonstrate my significance, to let them know I existed as I wanted God to know I existed.
Feeling lost and miserably alone, I began to search for someone who would at least care enough to pay a little attention to me. Since God obviously was not interested, and my parents were too busy with their own problems, unbeknownst to me, I became a bitter and uncaring person just as I thought everyone else had become.
As I looked around my neighborhood, in “The City Of Brotherly Love,” I found many kids, just like me, in the same situation. It’s not a problem making friends with teenagers that are just as resentful and bitter as you in a big city such as Philadelphia, just walk to the nearest street corner and join the local gang, where misery loves company.
On the street, the local kids assemble in groups called gangs, all sorts of guys and girls, abandoned mentally by their parents, forced to find the way by themselves. But not to worry, the street has the patience to listen to your problems, the street has a way to sympathize, the street has a way to teach, support and project rebellion in a way that satisfies your resentments.
Has the problem changed over the years? No, and it won’t until society realizes that the street isn’t the problem. The problem is conditional love or love on condition, from the ones we love the most, our parents, elders, social groups and organizations, even our own government is fighting to control us, which happens to be the basis of this chapter.
God promised the human race His unconditional love; at least that is what we are taught by most parents, clergies and teachers alike. Love without any conditions, not so, for we were taught there were many rules, conditions and obstacles to overcome before God would love us unconditionally.
We found, as we grew older, that this applied to everyone who said they loved us: Follow the rules and you will be loved, yet what they really meant was, “Don’t follow my rules, don’t do as I say, or refuse to accept what I say as gospel truth,” not only will you not be loved, you will be punished.”
That is how our mass consciousness society interprets the message from God. The human race as a whole feels abandoned, insignificant and unloved because it must meet certain standards or conditions in order to be loved and people simply do not trust their fellow man.
Can you see how this paradigm was created to control your every thought, word and deed? “Do as I say or else”—in the case of God, “or else” could be an everlasting eternity of torture, burning in hell. It is a typical scare tactic called “Guilt and Intimidation” and is another means of controlling large numbers of people. Most all relationships, organizations, societies, governments and religions use this tactic to rule over their people to rein in their freedoms and force them to obey. True love is never used in the same context with control, because control is another name for fear and fear and love can never occupy the same space in the mind.
As you struggle against what seems to be everyone’s attempt to control your every move, your thoughts and experiences, something deep down inside feels that this is not the way God had intended life to be. Deep down inside, you intuitively know that there is something wrong about this entire concept, yet your question of unhappiness is still unanswered.
Then one day a special someone takes notice, you feel funny, tingling all over, and you wonder if this could really be your true love, the person you’ll spend the rest of your life with in a caring, loving and rewarding marriage.
Deep down inside, you yearn for the feeling of companionship, hoping they will be the one, as you are quite tired of being by yourself. Yet, at the last moment, you have second thoughts about committing your life to someone you hardly know, but since your friends, parents and associates speak so highly of marriage, you decide to go through with the wedding ceremony. You and your partner, as one, now have an obligatory contract with God to love, cherish and obey until death do you part.
At first it’s fun, having a lover and a friend all wrapped into one person. You both have unlimited care and attention—ah, what a perfect arrangement—until your partner stops being the friend they used to be, and starts being the person they really are.
Then the game of “Love on Condition” or “Let’s make a Deal” begins, with each person developing his or her own strategy for winning. Each partner then goes to their respective corner and stakes out their claim on their relationship relative to their special wants and needs. The strategies call for high expectations that usually far exceed their partner’s capabilities. When expectations are not met, disappointment ushers in the ultimate control mechanism of “Guilt and Intimidation.”
Usually, this game is played with only one person holding the cards, and quite innocently, one partner begins to unknowingly relinquish one of their greatest reasons for living: They begin trading away their freedoms.
The years pass, and they know deep down inside that they are not happy, yet they can’t put their finger on why. By this time, their relationship is totally committed with raising children, going to church and meeting all the social obligations that marriage brings, while the same unknowing, freedom-less friends encourage you to continue your obligatory lifestyle.
Gradually, your partner begins to alter their end of the deal. They become more dominant, making choices that affect both of you without consulting you, literally shutting you out both mentally and physically, leaving you to wonder what happened to the sweet person you married. This is a classic tale of love with conditions. The marriage, the barter arrangement, the expectations and limitations, all of these conditions are part of the larger problem of CONTROL.
So, back to the reason they felt unhappy and didn’t know it: Can you now understand what they traded away for companionship? Yes, they traded away their freedom, their creativity and their ability to freely express themselves independently in their pursuit of inner happiness.
It’s very possible, although the statistics prove otherwise, to have a relationship with people without the control factor. You simply must be aware that it exists and stay clear on the reason you’re in the relationship. The other person must also know what their role is so there can be a meeting of the minds and a willingness to compromise when tough decisions are to be made. Likewise, there cannot be a dependence upon the relationship that would lead to one person having dominance over the other.
The greatest gift that God gave humans, next to life and love, is independence. Independence is free will and the ability to choose, which happen to be the basis of happiness, enabling us to find and experience whatever we choose to experience. Under the control of whomever, your life’s experiences are narrowed to experiences created by other people. Think about it: Would you go through your life only doing what others have told you to do, never creating your own thoughts about life, never doing what you really want to do?
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